Cooked Off Commandments
1. I am the queen of cooked off, and thou shalt refrain from attempting to acquire supremacy by deliberately scorching, blackening, burning, shrinking or exploding food in direct competition with the legendary cooking disasters of my creation.
2. Thou shalt not cook, bake, broil. braise, baste, boil, fry, simmer, stew, grill, poach, or smoke, if thy can possibly help it.
3. Thou shalt not ever throw away or misplace thy take out menus, but keep them forever sacred and close by.
4. Thou shalt not commit thyself to cookware of any kind, even if it’s on sale or would look swell in thy kitchen.
5. Thou shalt not murder or mutilate food in the guise of making it, even remotely, fit for consumption.
6. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s cooking skills.
7. Thou shalt shun development of any culinary talents whatsoever.
8. Thou shalt cultivate and exercise thy excuse making abilities for thy stupendous and everlasting inability to cook.
9. Thou shalt honor thy friends and family members who possess cooking talent.
10. Thou shalt not touch or make use of any cooking implements or appliances at any time for any reason.
11. Remember thy restaurants, and keep thy servers on thy good side by kind manner and generous tip.
12. Thou shalt avoid kitchen areas at all times as to prevent being asked to assist in cooking tasks, which include, but are not limited to stirring, chopping, peeling, separating, pouring, and checking for doneness, but do not include tasting.
13. Edibility is thine enemy – thy shall make no attempts at food preparation lest thy become falsely accused as “cook.”
